House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Rooting for the overdog
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Lmao the reply
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation