[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I would move hell over six inches for you
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*