John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a Dorito artist
WIFE: And I restore used napkins part time
HUSBAND: And our budget is 1.2mil
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood