@TuSoonShakur John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
@Elizabazinga [House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a Dorito artist
WIFE: And I restore used napkins part time
HUSBAND: And our budget is 1.2mil
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@TuSoonShakur 
@TheCiscoKidder The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
@HuntPoindexter My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
@desusnice a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
@BigJDubz Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
@KenJennings Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
@dumbbeezie “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
@jokeymcjokeface The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
@KellsPlayer ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
@Shelts99 Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next