Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
You Might Also Like
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.