Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.