@ValeeGrrl

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

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@tweetsbyrocket

me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is

@Furry_Beaver

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

@seanbgoneill

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

@CarpentersCrack

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

@djdarrellripley

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

@wife_housy

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

@chuuew

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic