[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
One venti cheeseburger please.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”