My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.
What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
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Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.