@markydoodoo

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

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@Spaziotwat

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

@ItsJennaMarbles

Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

@junejuly12

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

@goeatcake

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

@SimonMaloy

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

@Mr_Kapowski

[takes a bow]

Craft Store Employee: Hey you have to pay for that

@iwearaonesie

son *sits down* [sigh] What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *starts sliding my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*