@markydoodoo

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

You Might Also Like

@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@HenpeckedHal

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

@gamingheroritz

Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you

@felicityward

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

@HMittelmark

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

@Sarcasticsapien

[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.

@DothTheDoth

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

@UnFitz

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.