[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.


Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.


Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint


I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.


Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.


[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”


TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service


[takes a bow]

Craft Store Employee: Hey you have to pay for that


son *sits down* [sigh] What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *starts sliding my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*