House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive