HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh đ€Ł
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were âitâs just rinse and repeatâ.
To this day thatâs still the funniest joke sheâs ever told.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I canât get her Viagra.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I wish other people my age werenât so old.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, Iâm going to put it in the living room.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! đ„°đ„°đ„°
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Donât let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
âDonât let me keep youâ
Translation: Please go.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Today I learned that you never bring a âI did the dishesâ to a âyou never pick things upâ fight
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
me: itâs our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
The fall of Netflix
Me: was the âalsoâ because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldnât you have picked someone living to have dinner with
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Clerk: weâre not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*