Daughter: Mom, there’s a man outside.
Me: Get the net!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
my brain: then delete them
GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.