Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
“If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open.” said the boss at my new job.
“Why do you need a door then?” I asked him.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow