House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something