@TheToddWilliams

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

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@Darlainky

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

@Tmoney68

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

@mjkspeaks

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

@JohnPoveromo

The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.

@wendchymes

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

@ADDiane

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

@designersays

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

@10InchesPlus

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

@Qu4rtKn33

Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.