My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.