@ColesTwitt3r

house sitting!

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@bobby

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

@krisv_723

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@WheelTod

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

@Aricka_Shuck

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

@iNusku

I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

@crmotwo

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@_Tempo11

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

@ItsAndyRyan

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume