“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
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Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Great Canadian literature.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
me when i see my girls butt
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
.. do you even science?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”