houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here