Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”