Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

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Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead


My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.


where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore


Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.


Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?


Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”


WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg


ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit


Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.