@TheSharona06

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

You Might Also Like

@Lowenaffchen

Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead

@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@Fred_Delicious

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.