Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
You Might Also Like
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.