Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

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Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.


Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.


The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence


*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.


PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you


Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.


Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.


Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.


Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.