@Bob_Janke
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
@ellle_em
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
You Might Also Like
@Bob_Janke
@HiddleDeeDee
If it seems as though I love the dog more than you, kids, well that’s because he doesn’t have homework I need to help him with.
@lovemyboots111
How do you know your man is cheating?
When he drives by her place the wifi connects
@Home_Halfway
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
@Breadery
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
@RodLacroix
One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.
@kevinseccia
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
@VikingBut
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
@Tbone7219
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.