@ellle_em

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

You Might Also Like

@Bob_Janke

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

@HiddleDeeDee

If it seems as though I love the dog more than you, kids, well that’s because he doesn’t have homework I need to help him with.

@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@RodLacroix

One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.

@kevinseccia

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

@VikingBut

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

@Tbone7219

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.