@ellle_em

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

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@mack44_d

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

@Sultani_Sails

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

@Browtweaten

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

@Whitnuts

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

@sarawrencomedy

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

@drinksmcgee

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

@Writepop

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.