Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

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If it seems as though I love the dog more than you, kids, well that’s because he doesn’t have homework I need to help him with.


How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?


One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.


“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.


Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril


You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.