Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.