@sixfootcandy

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

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@QwertyJones3

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

@SufficientCharm

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

@kirsthalliwell

Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???

@DaddyJew

*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@Jandalize

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@Hormonella

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

@Dschnoeb

I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.