“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???
*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up
Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.