“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

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Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN


octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus


Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese


I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat


The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”


Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.


The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.


Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat