“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I want what they have
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.