“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“no gods no masters” = leo
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
*orders delivery*
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
This is a true ally.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners