“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that