Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Bread puns are on the rise!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*