[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*seductively corrects your posture*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
same energy
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed