Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…