How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit