How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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The internet is magic sometimes.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Sniffing the broccoli
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)