How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You Might Also Like
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.