How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I’ve been drinking.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.