@ElleOhHell

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

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@GoogleChamiya

Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?

@jonnysun

dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG

@Darlainky

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

@LOsepyan

If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.

@kylekinane

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

@CatsVsHumanity

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

@AmandaRNH

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

@maebemarbles

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

@DaniiGallegos_

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*