Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Still laughing at this stupid meme