How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.


me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future


Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.


the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday


“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”


If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.


If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.


coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch


me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?