@briangaar

How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

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@AddledPixie

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

@SladeWentworth

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

@carboncaitlin

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

@ibid78

“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@Mom_Overboard

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

@HenpeckedHal

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

@NeverOLLG

me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?