Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Well, that should do it
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…