“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege