Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.