Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
This is so me 😂😂
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
All generalizations are stupid.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you