I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
That’s not how days work.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Monday Lisa
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”