@Jamiejamzz

How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate

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@mofrorock

Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.

@jazmasta

*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

@FunnyBison

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

@MisAnthroPony

Imagine if Jack Black actually did take Chris Pratt’s place in beating up Thanos.

@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

@Phil_Pagett

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

@RedBeard3000

Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking

@MiahSaint

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.