How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate

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[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”


white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery


I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.


Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.


The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.


Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.


That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.


It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???


If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.


FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this