@Jamiejamzz

How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate

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@noog

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

@spookperson

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

@GreeneyedManiac

I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

@_steamy_mac

The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.

@UnFitz

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

@Donna_McCoy

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

@Heldinchains

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

@Adar79Angie

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

@Glennot73

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this