How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate

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Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.


*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*


70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.


Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.


Imagine if Jack Black actually did take Chris Pratt’s place in beating up Thanos.


Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!


A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.


ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.


Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking


This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.