“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?