@KattsDogma

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

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@Daveastated

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@3sunzzz

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

@JJSummertime

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

@Megatronic13

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

@TheBoydP

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

@LeviathanPride

Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies