“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what