How actors in movies eat their food
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
craving $300 all of a sudden
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
this could fix me
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Happy thanksgiving!