How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away