How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Some people were born into their job.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on