I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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[holds up egg]
This is your brain
[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs
ME: bae, you wanna go out?
HER: hell yeah 😊
ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.
Check on sleeping baby.
Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*