“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

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[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains


ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.


“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.


Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.


MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*


Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.

Check on sleeping baby.

Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby



Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird


*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*