How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.