@with_a_ph23

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

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@KenJennings

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@samcorb

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

@dksc4life

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

@iatemuggles

divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation

@AbrasiveGhost

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.