How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.