How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison