How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side


*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?


I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for ‘Im sorry’?


jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.


I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.


I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.


‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.


DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby


Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…HAHAHAHA!

Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I’m in tears*