How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
This is why I hate group projects
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”