How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Encore…
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Can Happiness buy money?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.