How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

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Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends


As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.


Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.


Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”


[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!


*opens bag and reveals two penguins*


SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring outside food in here.

ME: This is a service burrito.


I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this


Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.