How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

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“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.


I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.


Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.


If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.


The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.


Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.


Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.


My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!


Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.


? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ?