@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

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@ehdannyboy

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

@Lisabug74

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

@daddydoubts

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

@theregoesrichie

If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.

@Brainy_Bear

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

@Jack_Wagon1

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

@RunOldMan

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

@Dutch_50

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

@sofarrsogud

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

@velvettusk

? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ?