Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

When I laugh on my period

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

#gardening

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.