My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?
No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.
She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.