People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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Haha! 😂
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich