@momthoughts13

How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.

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@nnnatchos

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

@YesImMatt

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

@PhilJamesson

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@DecantAndPour

I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.

@citizenkawala

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

@Darlainky

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.