“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell “What’s so cool about Star Wars anyway?”, then jetpack through the ceiling.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!