my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
You Might Also Like
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem